Only the second blog and I’m changing the sequence already. I just couldn’t make it work, writing about being supportive without first talking about respect. So, here we go!
A Home must respect You
A Home is or should be an environment of mutual support and respect. The Home is where you need to feel valued most of all. When you walk in that door you need to know that you are in a place where you are wanted. You shouldn’t have to fear voicing your feelings on any subject, especially those involving your Home. In fact, your opinions should be asked for. There is no place in the Home for being belittled or ignored when you speak up.
You should never be treated with disrespect to your person. This is exactly why I felt the subject of respect should follow the one about violence. There are more kinds of violence however, than being struck. The verbal put-downs that all too often happen in the Home simple have no place! You do not have to put up with a partner who is constantly referring to you with words that are demeaning or rude. You have the right to insist that they do not continue. If they do continue, then you or your partner should find the door. You deserve a life with dignity!
If yours is a Home with children then respect is crucial to raising them. Children will learn the habits they see in the Home. If a son sees his father treat his wife with disrespect, that son will then think it’s proper for him to be disrespectful to his mother and any future wife. The cycle has just been continued. If a daughter sees it, she will either learn to hate her father (bad) or she will learn to expect it in her future relationships (worse!).
If disrespect in your Home is angering, then disrespect in public from your partner is not only angering, it’s so embarrassing that it actually, physically, hurts. It is another form of unfaithfulness. That may seem a little strong but think about it. You should be the most important person in your partner’s life. If they are being disrespectful in public, they are telling you and the world what little value they have for you. If you do not have respect from the one you love then as I said before, you do not have a partner; you have a room-mate.
If you are recovering from a relationship where disrespect was a common occurrence there is another form of respect you must have in your life, respect for yourself. One of the most damaging results of an abusive relationship is self-loathing, the feeling that you have somehow deserved the lack of respect you received. The damage to the opinion you have of yourself hits from two directions. The first is that when you have been told a lie long enough you start to think there is at least some basis for it. The feeling that “Well, if I had been a better this or a better that, I would have had more respect.” That’s exactly what the abuser wants you to think. The abuser wants you to think you have somehow deserved his lack of respect. Even if it were true that you are or were doing something your partner disapproves of it is no excuse for abuse. If they disapprove of something you were doing, or saying they should attempt to communicate their feelings and if there was no solution or common ground then again, it’s time to find the door.
The other damaging side of self-loathing is when you have realized that you have tolerated the abuse for far too long. This is the feeling that says “How could I have put up with that bozo, how could I have been so blind?” It is twice as damaging because you are now disrespecting yourself. If bozo finds out, he is going to be ecstatic. If you think about it you should realize that it is normal not to want to give up. If you ever loved the person it is normal to think that you can work it out, that you can fix it. If the words faithfulness or fidelity mean anything to you then you will try, and try, and try again to make it work. Again, it is normal to be that way; unfortunately the abusive partner doesn’t feel that way. Don’t beat yourself up over this just be glad you are out of it. Focus on realizing that you are a unique creation. A human being who deserves and should demand respect and the first person you should demand it of is yourself! Do something you are good at whether it be at work or at home. Do the things that make you feel good. Buy that Harley, go on that cruise, volunteer at the women’s center helping other women out of abusive environments, anything that is rewarding to you.
When you are ready to find that relationship you deserve remember, if you are to thrive you can’t spend your life downcast, waiting for the next disappointing comment. If you are to thrive you must have the respect of the person you love. If you are to thrive you must feel like, you must BE, the most respected person in your partner’s life.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Saturday, October 22, 2011
What a Home should, MUST, be
What a Home should, MUST be.
I want to start this off by making a few points about what this is and is not. These are my feelings on what is necessary to have a thriving and happy Home. I had to arrange them into individual topics just to keep me from rambling too much. In an effort to not cover the same ground over and over I should let you know what the topics will be (as of now).
A Home must be free from violence.
A Home must support you.
A Home must respect you.
A Home must give you the right to be the person you are, not what someone expects you to be.
A Home must respect your children
A Home must protect your children.
A Home must allow your children the right to speak up if a parent or sibling is abusing them.
In a Home you have the right to leave if you or your children are threatened with or subjected to violence.
The topics aren’t the result of hours of research at a university or hospital. Some of them will overlap because in the end you can’t put a Home into little boxes. The topics I picked and the things I have to say about them come from life. I have suffered through more than one divorce and when I talk about where the mind goes on the cold, dark, night; it’s my own journey down that road that I refer to. That journey has determined what I have to say. I am no Oprah or Dr. Phil. However, if anything I write here, gives you comfort, helps you on your own journey, helps you through that night, helps you to thrive, then it was worth dragging up those old memories ten times over.
With that in mind, here we go, topic number one (for good reason).
1. A Home must be free from violence.
A Home is a place of refuge. It is where you go when the world bears down on you. There is where you must feel safe.
A person who violates the sanctity of the Home is the lowest form of life. When a person comes home, looking for, hoping for, the welcoming kiss or hug but instead finds the slap, the hit, the slam against the wall, the damage is devastating!
There are no words that can describe the hurt, the disbelief, the shock, THE BETRAYAL which assaults ones mind the first time violence appears in a Home. The attack on ones psyche when Love turns to fear under the hand of violence will always be remembered. In the dark, cold night, the tears will burn, the heart will break, and nothing will ever be the same.
When a couple establishes a Home, that is, when they decide to share lives, hopes, dreams, and futures, they are making a commitment to each other. It is not a one-way relationship where one person exercises total dominion over the other. A more direct way of stating that is, in the Home no person is entitled to force the other person into a specific behavior. Any expectations of what a person is to do or not do should be decided and discussed before the commitment to a life together is made.
Of course people change. If the relationship is expected to last for years, it will happen. When this does occur, if one of the partners is unhappy or uneasy with the change it’s time to talk, now, not later when the changed behavior becomes unbearable. If your partner is unwilling to talk and instead becomes angry to the point that you are subjected to violence whether it be physical or mental, then you no longer have a Home, you no longer have a partner. You have a room-mate that you can’t trust and there is only one safe alternative…leave. Leave before violence becomes part of your life. Recovering from a failed relationship is hard enough. When violence becomes part of the formula you will feel naked, helpless, and friendless, without resource or a place to turn. That is not true, it is a lie the violent room-mate would love to have you believe.
If you are to thrive, your home must be a safe place! If you are currently in a relationship be sure it is one where the joy of discovery is shared, where beauty is not only appreciated but sought after. If you are by yourself, you should do everything in your power to make your Home a place that is pleasing to your heart, your spirit, your soul. Music, art, and most importantly, constructive contemplation of the fact that you are a precious thing, a human being who has value and is valued all contribute to a Home where you can thrive.
I want to start this off by making a few points about what this is and is not. These are my feelings on what is necessary to have a thriving and happy Home. I had to arrange them into individual topics just to keep me from rambling too much. In an effort to not cover the same ground over and over I should let you know what the topics will be (as of now).
A Home must be free from violence.
A Home must support you.
A Home must respect you.
A Home must give you the right to be the person you are, not what someone expects you to be.
A Home must respect your children
A Home must protect your children.
A Home must allow your children the right to speak up if a parent or sibling is abusing them.
In a Home you have the right to leave if you or your children are threatened with or subjected to violence.
The topics aren’t the result of hours of research at a university or hospital. Some of them will overlap because in the end you can’t put a Home into little boxes. The topics I picked and the things I have to say about them come from life. I have suffered through more than one divorce and when I talk about where the mind goes on the cold, dark, night; it’s my own journey down that road that I refer to. That journey has determined what I have to say. I am no Oprah or Dr. Phil. However, if anything I write here, gives you comfort, helps you on your own journey, helps you through that night, helps you to thrive, then it was worth dragging up those old memories ten times over.
With that in mind, here we go, topic number one (for good reason).
1. A Home must be free from violence.
A Home is a place of refuge. It is where you go when the world bears down on you. There is where you must feel safe.
A person who violates the sanctity of the Home is the lowest form of life. When a person comes home, looking for, hoping for, the welcoming kiss or hug but instead finds the slap, the hit, the slam against the wall, the damage is devastating!
There are no words that can describe the hurt, the disbelief, the shock, THE BETRAYAL which assaults ones mind the first time violence appears in a Home. The attack on ones psyche when Love turns to fear under the hand of violence will always be remembered. In the dark, cold night, the tears will burn, the heart will break, and nothing will ever be the same.
When a couple establishes a Home, that is, when they decide to share lives, hopes, dreams, and futures, they are making a commitment to each other. It is not a one-way relationship where one person exercises total dominion over the other. A more direct way of stating that is, in the Home no person is entitled to force the other person into a specific behavior. Any expectations of what a person is to do or not do should be decided and discussed before the commitment to a life together is made.
Of course people change. If the relationship is expected to last for years, it will happen. When this does occur, if one of the partners is unhappy or uneasy with the change it’s time to talk, now, not later when the changed behavior becomes unbearable. If your partner is unwilling to talk and instead becomes angry to the point that you are subjected to violence whether it be physical or mental, then you no longer have a Home, you no longer have a partner. You have a room-mate that you can’t trust and there is only one safe alternative…leave. Leave before violence becomes part of your life. Recovering from a failed relationship is hard enough. When violence becomes part of the formula you will feel naked, helpless, and friendless, without resource or a place to turn. That is not true, it is a lie the violent room-mate would love to have you believe.
If you are to thrive, your home must be a safe place! If you are currently in a relationship be sure it is one where the joy of discovery is shared, where beauty is not only appreciated but sought after. If you are by yourself, you should do everything in your power to make your Home a place that is pleasing to your heart, your spirit, your soul. Music, art, and most importantly, constructive contemplation of the fact that you are a precious thing, a human being who has value and is valued all contribute to a Home where you can thrive.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Thursday, August 25, 2011
We Are In Process; Change Or Not
I found this post so poignant, so moving, that I had to share it -- even if I don't have much to add to the conversation...
I'm not bipolar, but I have my swings...
If I have anything constructive to say about this post is that journaling can be therapeutic; so can reading our own words. But sometimes, we might not like what we see/read... We are in process.
I went back and read a post from a year ago, a post of mine. I used to be so caring and there was such a compassion there when I blogged. 1 year and month later I can absolutely see a separation, larger, from how normal I was a year ago. It’s just more convincing for me that I really am pretending to be normal. I see I am beginning to become more calloused and I don’t really want to be that way.
I'm not bipolar, but I have my swings...
If I have anything constructive to say about this post is that journaling can be therapeutic; so can reading our own words. But sometimes, we might not like what we see/read... We are in process.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Do I Seem More Or Less Credible To You Now? (Or, The Real Affects Of TMI In Mental Health Journaling)
At first I used to worry if discussing my pain, my craziness was a good thing. Journaling is agreed upon as a good therapeutic tool; but only a tool shares such things in public under their own name, right?
Journaling in public, aka blogging under your own name, can negatively impact one's career. I mean, would you hire me to write for you, to consult for your business? For a number of years I hid my true identity from thoughts/posts like these. But writing under a pen name felt... well, dirty, somehow. As if I couldn't wouldn't own my own words. If I want to encourage other survivors, the anxious, the depressed, into the empowerment that is writing, sharing, communicating -- if I want them to feel like they are worth more than they and society say they are, I need to walk the walk about the talk. So in the end I opted to out myself. Plus, multiple identities is exhausting.
But while I battled with the issues of me, myself and my credibility, time was passing...
Now my kids are older. They use The FaceBook. They sometimes visit my FaceBook page. (And admit it by posting on my wall!) Do I want them to read all this?
It's one thing to post about the stuff they do and say; it's just another way parents embarrass their kids. Right?
Seriously, I do try to keep mum on specific details, others involved, etc., as much as possible. And I don't post many of the more sensitive posts either. But do they need to know how bad things are in my head and soul? And what about the others who Google my name... I'm not paranoid; I've been presented in court with print-outs of the comments of others on my posts to be used against me. (Another, very long, topic.) Just how upsetting, or, in the legal vernacular, detrimental, are posts like these?
Yet, if I -- if we -- don't share out thoughts and experiences, how many others will go crazy, believe they are alone, suffer...
It's a fine line. One I'm continually redrawing.
I'd love to hear from others on this subject.
Journaling in public, aka blogging under your own name, can negatively impact one's career. I mean, would you hire me to write for you, to consult for your business? For a number of years I hid my true identity from thoughts/posts like these. But writing under a pen name felt... well, dirty, somehow. As if I couldn't wouldn't own my own words. If I want to encourage other survivors, the anxious, the depressed, into the empowerment that is writing, sharing, communicating -- if I want them to feel like they are worth more than they and society say they are, I need to walk the walk about the talk. So in the end I opted to out myself. Plus, multiple identities is exhausting.
But while I battled with the issues of me, myself and my credibility, time was passing...
Now my kids are older. They use The FaceBook. They sometimes visit my FaceBook page. (And admit it by posting on my wall!) Do I want them to read all this?
It's one thing to post about the stuff they do and say; it's just another way parents embarrass their kids. Right?
Seriously, I do try to keep mum on specific details, others involved, etc., as much as possible. And I don't post many of the more sensitive posts either. But do they need to know how bad things are in my head and soul? And what about the others who Google my name... I'm not paranoid; I've been presented in court with print-outs of the comments of others on my posts to be used against me. (Another, very long, topic.) Just how upsetting, or, in the legal vernacular, detrimental, are posts like these?
Yet, if I -- if we -- don't share out thoughts and experiences, how many others will go crazy, believe they are alone, suffer...
It's a fine line. One I'm continually redrawing.
I'd love to hear from others on this subject.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Emotional Laxatives
As I said, talking about domestic violence is difficult, but the risks of not talking about or dealing with the realities of it and what lies in its wake is even worse...
I think this is the number one problem faced by women who survive abuse. Society assists us in the silencing of ourselves; we live in a culture of The Good Woman and complaining -- no matter what the injustice -- just isn't something a nice girl does.
This conditioning to worry about duties to others, how we appear to others, above our own needs is a major part of our lives as women -- it's what assists the abuser in the first place, and perpetuates the further abuses we'll face from authorities (police, courts, etc.) as well as family and friends.
I think this vintage clipping captures our position of selflessness at our own expense.
Her preservation of appearance and duty to work must come before her own comfort or even her health; like most things, it's funny because it's true.
Women, especially survivors of violence and other abuses, need to speak up or risk suffering the consequences of emotional constipation.
Image via Gordon Pym -- site is NWS.
I think this is the number one problem faced by women who survive abuse. Society assists us in the silencing of ourselves; we live in a culture of The Good Woman and complaining -- no matter what the injustice -- just isn't something a nice girl does.
This conditioning to worry about duties to others, how we appear to others, above our own needs is a major part of our lives as women -- it's what assists the abuser in the first place, and perpetuates the further abuses we'll face from authorities (police, courts, etc.) as well as family and friends.
I think this vintage clipping captures our position of selflessness at our own expense.
Her preservation of appearance and duty to work must come before her own comfort or even her health; like most things, it's funny because it's true.
Women, especially survivors of violence and other abuses, need to speak up or risk suffering the consequences of emotional constipation.
Image via Gordon Pym -- site is NWS.
Monday, February 7, 2011
"To Drive Sadness From The Mind"
As PenileCodeAvenger herself confessed, one of the ugly truths about depression is not taking showers, so I found this tidbit published in Modern Woman magazine (volume 17 number 1, 1948) interesting:
Most of us have seen this truth in our children; they get crabby or just a little off their sunny dispositions when they skip their baths. Why don't we realize that this is also true of adults?
That other adage, about those who seem least likely to want a hug are most in need of it, is also true.
Most of us have seen this truth in our children; they get crabby or just a little off their sunny dispositions when they skip their baths. Why don't we realize that this is also true of adults?
That other adage, about those who seem least likely to want a hug are most in need of it, is also true.
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