Saturday, January 21, 2012

Some more thoughts on what a home must be.

A Home must give you the right to be the person you are, not what someone expects you to be!

Your home is your refuge. In a home, you and your partner, should work together to help each other thrive. Unfortunately I have seen too many homes where that doesn’t happen. I have seen too many homes where your partner tries to change you, by trying to shame you or destroying your self-esteem and if that doesn’t work, by the hand or fist. In reality, the abuser doesn’t care about changing you; he cares about controlling you, making it a circle that never ends. You will never be good enough, you will never win.

As I was working on this subject the following idea of a letter came to mind. I have heard too many abused women (some men but not many) voice the thoughts of this letter to me but were afraid to write or say it to their partner. Afraid of the screaming, hitting, hurting violence that they know would follow.

So this letter is for them.

An open letter to a bully.

Why are you trying to change me? This is who I am, who I want to be. If you think I need “fixing”, why did you choose me for a partner? I don’t need to be “fixed”. I need to be appreciated, loved, for who I am, not for what you think I should be.

You claim that it is I who has to change. If I don’t, if I try to be who I am, you use your hands and voice to hurt me. You use our, MY, children as a weapon. You tell them that I am sick, evil, a monster. You attempt to destroy their chance of having normal, loving feelings for their mother. Tell me, who is the monster?

I have hopes, I have dreams. For you to try to take them from me is wrong! It is the sign of a controlling bully, an abuser! If I have to become someone else in order for you to be happy then you have made a big mistake.

So have I.

I don’t need to be someone else. If I am to thrive, I need to be some WHERE else!

I can only hope that what I have said will help some of you, even one of you, who wanted to say this but are afraid because of violence to you or harm to your children, will find a safe place where you can be who you are, without fear. I also hope, with all my heart that those of us who have seen this kind of abuse will SPEAK UP! Do not let the abusers continue to do their work in secret.