"To Drive Sadness From The Mind"

As PenileCodeAvenger herself confessed, one of the ugly truths about depression is not taking showers, so I found this tidbit published in Modern Woman magazine (volume 17 number 1, 1948) interesting:

Most of us have seen this truth in our children; they get crabby or just a little off their sunny dispositions when they skip their baths. Why don't we realize that this is also true of adults?

That other adage, about those who seem least likely to want a hug are most in need of it, is also true.

Something Simple & Positive #2

Ten minutes of scrubbing the walls, light switches, handrails, in a hallway can easily turn into 30 once you start looking. But do 10 minutes now; get to the rest, or another spot, the next day (or even later the same day when you find yourself with a burst of energy -- once you start moving, you’d be surprised how your body itches to have you move again!)

Not only will you get that heart rate up and clean the house, but you’ll really start to feel better about yourself as you chip-away at the overwhelming household, your weight, your depression.

Something Simple & Positive #1

Drink a glass of milk before bed. As an insomniac, I find a ritual or two helps my mind start to settle and give me a better chance at sleeping -- and drinking the glass of milk also does a few extra things too.

They say milk assists in weight loss and with protein before bed does too. If you’re trying to cut down on soda pop or coffee and fit something healthy in, this is the time to do it.

For those of you who feel that budget-wise you are stealing from your kids, let me remind you that you’re supposed to be taking care of yourself, your own health, too. Plus milk is far cheaper than pop or other grown-up beverages.

Your glass of milk doesn't need to be warm, but here are some tips on that too.

Workbook: Start At The Beginning

Like I said before, you have to start somewhere. Too many times, however, we let the planning get in the way of starting.

We want to lose weight, so we list all the things we need... New workout shoes, a gym membership or workout DVD, a diet or weight-loss program membership -- heck we even need a scale! But all that, any part of that, costs money; so we'll just wait until we save that much money. We even put-off our plans waiting for a diet buddy or walking partner who has to settle a few things before they can commit.

We want to clear up the clutter in our house, the basement, or whatnot; so we make a checklist to organize ourselves. But then there's the cost of all those storage bins... Or we become overwhelmed by the sheer size of the project and aren't able to check a thing off the list -- other than "Make List."

We want to begin the process of healing, of addressing our depression, but how? Maybe we decide to start with losing weight or cleaning up the physical clutter to free our emotional clutter -- but, well, see above. *sigh* Or we decide to call about counseling or medication, but we never get around to making that call...

When you're anxious, depressed, &/or facing any undertaking, it can seem insurmountable; it's easy to become overcome with the emotions &/or the motions of so many tasks.

For some, breaking things down into steps is motivating -- if only so we can check things off -- and if it is for you, please do proceed that way! But for many of us, breaking things down into so many steps only makes us see how much work is involved and, feeling inferior to the tasks, it stupefies us. For those in the latter group, don't sweat-out the list making; just pick something to do and do it. Don't worry about The Big Picture in terms of all the many steps or hour or weeks; just focus on The Big Picture in terms of doing one little thing that could get you there.

It's important to remember that any change is a process, not a recipe. It doesn't matter so much whether we follow the steps or not; if we complete them in order or at all, in fact. It doesn't matter if we start multiple meals at the same time, biting off more than we can chew, leaving the rest to wait; it won't rot or be wasteful. It doesn't even matter if we start without all the ingredients available. It only matters that we start. Somewhere.

So your goal for today is to think of one little thing you believe you should be doing for yourself and do it.

Surviving The Cold Numbness (Or How Slips Saved My Life)

Sometime after Crisis Mode, the Cold Numbness of Survival creeps in. You'd think there'd be a marked difference to note, a precise precarious moment when survival mode relaxes or hardens into this blank place of isolation and waiting... But if there is a moment to pinpoint, I didn't notice it.

Some point after the heated frenzy action of police involvement, divorce process, financial assistance, counseling, and the concerned reactions of family and friends, you find you and your frozen heart settling into Life As You Now Know It. Aside from the daily grind of Be Brave And Carry-On For Your Kids, life becomes filled with The Silent Tundra Of Waiting.

You wait for the next day to ease the physical pains. You wait for all the seeds you've planted and forms you've filled out to bear some fruit.You wait for the cold-sweats to go away and leave you alone. You wait for the grades and calls from school to assist you in the evaluation of how well your kids are adjusting. You wait for the nightmares to stop. You wait for the wheels of justice to reach a decision. You wait for the sorrow and grief of loss to pass. You wait for the phone to ring with news -- or at least a call from someone to care how you're doing. You wait for the fear to dissipate. You wait for the weight of the world on your shoulders to lessen. You wait for the next day to bring a little sunshine.

Most of your waiting is done alone.  Even if you're around other people, you find yourself wearing that stupid Brave Face -- or risking annoying and alienating others by being The Downer; this in and of itself is an isolating experience.

It's no wonder when each day that the sunshine doesn't come along to warm you, you, if not die a little, find yourself becoming a frozen hard little thing. At least on the inside. The outside is a different beast.

For some of us, the weight we lost during Crisis Mode returns... And more of it too.  It's not because we are eating too much; quite the opposite. But whatever we eat clings to us like the ick and fear we feel we are already coated in.

It's like our body is trying to insulate us from the cold.  It has the added benefit of keeping male attentions at bay; we don't trust them near us and the fat removes us from the part of the population they'd prey on.  (Although, some predators look for the extra flesh as a sign of being the weakest in the herd, so it's not a guarantee of safety; nothing is, really.)

So there you are one night, alone on the sofa after the kids are in bed, fighting off tears and fears and feeling as disconnected from yourself as you can get.  You catch the image of yourself reflected in the TV screen and hardly recognize yourself.

Your clothes don't fit -- at least not like they used to. You are all soft and puffy on the outside, but hard and brittle on the inside. You laugh a bitter laugh at yourself, at those shadows that are always around you -- the echoes of their accusations that you are hyper-sexual.  (That's a very common accusation thrown at women in court; nothing is as scary as a woman who owns her sexuality nor as inappropriate a parent.)  You? This blob on the sofa ready to crack and fall apart? Hyper-sexual? Ha!

But your laughter snaps into tears as you realize you haven't felt like a woman in ages... There's nothing soft about you anymore, not even your tears. But then they, like you, have to fight and force themselves into existence.

Sure, you have your reasons for becoming like this. But the understandable situation is not tolerable.

Your hands seem tied. You have so few resources -- and the children should come first. But you also know that you need to do more than survive if they are to thrive. ...If your goal is for each of them to safely, happily be themselves, how do you best teach this?  By example.  But that leads back to so few resources. And you're constantly judged for how you use your resources...

You cry harder; the hot anguish of desire and the pain of futility colliding once again in your heart.

After one such long hard cry on the sofa I asked myself what my happier self would look like.  I couldn't wave away the weight, in pounds or sadness, but I could feel better somehow... Right? And that's when I lit upon the idea of lingerie.

As long as I've been an adult, I've enjoyed the feeling of lingerie.  It was something that, no matter my income level or sexual status, I've always treated myself to.  Something that makes me feel alive and glad to be female.

I knew that going to try on my favorite pieces would be another devastating debilitating exercise for my ego, so I gave myself permission to take $5 and got to the thrift store the next day.  With $5 I knew I could get at least one vintage slip.  And while I couldn't wear that under my daily mom attire, I would be able to wear it while cleaning and lounging around the house.  It would be modest enough not to cause any sort of a ruckus in court etc. It would give me something to look forward to. It was something that would feel far more luxurious and pretty than it cost. It would help me to once again enjoy feeling female.

It did.

Just  putting a nylon slip on is relaxing; it feels like cool water poured over parched dirty skin. When you wear it, it slinks and slides, reminding you of your female curves. More then just a reminder of your sensual nature, you are reminded of your other womanly ways: your warm generous spirit, your resilient strength, your ability to nourish and nurture -- including yourself.


The slinky nylon gently washed away the aches and pains of my abusive and abrasive life and, at the same time, stroked the female fires -- not (only) in a lusty way, but in the deeper ways, the things you need to be restored and fed in order to feel anything akin to arousal.  You have to love and trust yourself, life itself, first. The sensual nature of the slip reminded me to love and forgive myself, nourished my soul so that I had more to give my children (and later a new husband).

You see, with the slip I was romancing myself.  After the years of his abuse, his hatred and belittling of me and womankind, after the beatings, in person with his fists and those blows delivered by the court, I was once again celebrating my womanhood. 

I do credit slips with helping me find my way back from the dark frozen place. I'm not all the way back or healed, but I continue to wear slips and other lingerie and celebrate myself as a woman.


It was a simple $1.49 cent thrift store slip; but it saved my life. Give one a try yourself and see what it can do for you.

Expanding

I realize I've shrunk myself.

I knew I'd done it and why. I was hiding in the corners, hoping not to be seen. I was afraid of attacks -- every kind of attack. What's more, I was not worthy of taking up such space.

Not only out of sight, but I didn't dare make any noise either. Even sound waves were dangerous things... Alerting people to my unworthy existence. Not only those I might make, but those I might listen to.

I realized that today when I returned home and switched the radio on.

Whose volume setting was this? This was not loud enough to sing along to, or even to move your hips to. This was a whisper someone would have to silently should crouch beside to hear -- should crouch silently beside to hear. Why would someone do this? It's crazy!

So I turned the volume up -- perhaps as loud as I once listened to, sung along with, danced to; perhaps not. Who knows? It might even be louder now.

But I refuse to crouch in silence straining simultaneously to hear and not be heard, in some sort of limbo of painfully contradictory wistful needs.

Why would I let him, let all those complicit to his violence who further victimized me, why would I let any of them take music from me?!

I am worthy of enjoying music. I am worthy of blasting it as loudly, as obnoxiously, as I fucking-well want.

I am alive.

I

am

alive!

Why not embrace it -- expand myself -- and reclaim the auditory, emotional, and physical space that I as a living human being am entitled.

Start Somewehere; Love Yourself

You have to start somewhere. Not just with this blog; but with any process. So "about" pages and Mission Statements must wait, for I just need to start. Somewhere. So here it is.

Love yourself. Just simply love yourself. Sing yourself a love song.

I just did.

Peter Framptons' Baby, I Love Your Way was on the radio, and I sang along, tears in my eyes. Tears of joy, tears recognizing that it's been a long time since I felt -- really felt -- that I loved myself. I acknowledged the power of that simple act. I felt precious. And I don't think there's a single person who couldn't do with more of that sort of a thing.

Except perhaps, true narcissists. And none of them are likely to come here.